“LIVE… LOVE… LEARN”

21 Mar

The Raw Honesty, The Violence, The Struggles, And The Journey From Living In The Past Full Of Anger… To Finding Peace and Balance.

I Wrote This In 2003 To Remind Myself Of My Journey And To Hopefully Inspire Others On A More Peaceful Path.

Some Days Even Though I Lived This Story… I Have to Come Back To Read This So I Don’t Fall Off My Path And Forget That I Am Strong and I CAN Make It Through ANYTHING!!

I found this again and thought I would share….

Some of you will stop reading after the first paragraph in judgment and/or disbelief that this is about me…

And some of you will read through the whole thing and learn some valuable lessons in life 🙂

Peace, Power, and Love My Friends!

Mary Lou Sandler

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“LIVE… LOVE… LEARN”

AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF MARY LOU SANDLER (MARY L. CARTER)

I was born a girl with rage and evil in her heart from my first breath on this earth. I grew up a vain child, devious, and feeling alone most of the time. Many souls have come in and out of my life some whom felt the same way I did and relished in the mischief we could create together while others I have hurt and shamed with my selfish, jealous, and vile ways. I have loved and hated with great passion. I had always been one extreme to another. I learned to adapt, mold, and blend myself into any situation so not to show my true self and the rage I felt growing inside of me.

There was a time when I went from loving myself more than anyone to loathing myself more than anyone. Growing up I have felt great love from one part, hated and envied by another, and abandoned by others in my family. I have beaten people down with my fists and with verbal fits of rage only to make myself feel more powerful in some way or another. I have been beaten, raped, and torn apart by people I thought I knew and loved. I have been stalked and attacked by strangers who thought I would be their next victim but failed.

I can no longer keep count how many times I have wanted to die because I did not feel loved or believed myself to be to inadequate to conquer life and have also lost count on how many times I have actually tried to end it all and failed. The last time I thought heavily about it I asked for help for the first time instead of acting out. That was in the year of 2000 right before I tore all the cartilage out of my knee, didn’t have health insurance, laid in bed immobile for 2 months and was forced to reevaluate my life.

Thus became the days of my awakening

Lying there helpless I learned the many many reasons why I do the things I do, and fear the things I fear, Finally seeing all of my life patterns I had lived over and over never learning from only to repeat them again and again. I learned to look inside my mind’s eye and see just what it was that I was reacting to instead of lashing out being my first instinct. I learned that the passion, rage, insecurities, and jealousies I had felt for the bad boys I had been dating were not to be rebellious in nature and the outlandish fights I would have with them stemmed from my own anger towards my mother and the abandonment of my father.

I also learned that though I thought it was at the time it was not love at all but I had been dating someone I hated and wanted to torture out of my own spite and rage because something in their personality resembled either my mother or what I knew then of my father. I thrived on my own passion for hatred and masked by that pain I had been fooled. I believed my passion and hatred was love. My mother (though most things have changed now and we have become the best of friends) always put me down and was always telling me that I was just like my father whom I never knew growing up. The only things I knew about him was what my mother had told me which was that he was a dreaming, lying, abusive, cheating, bastard who would never amount to anything. So, this is how I thought my mother the one person whom I wanted to be so proud of me and love me thought of me or in reality The only words I chose to hear that came from her.

So, in life I ultimately attracted the same type of individuals that treated me in the same manner. This is not to say that every man I have had a relationship with has beaten, tortured and abused me verbally or otherwise. I have never been physically struck by a man and if I were he would not have lived to tell about it. I have been involved with some incredibly wonderful, thoughtful, and loving individuals however I was bored in those relationships. I never really fought with them because I didn’t care and never loved them the way they should have been or really deserved to be.

Because as I have stated I was fueled by my own anger haunted by my past thinking that being abusive or being abused was love for that was all I knew at the time. This is also not to say that my mother is the reason that everything in my life has gone wrong or to place blame on her or anyone. The only person I have to blame is myself and I NOW TAKE FULL RESPONSIBLY for every one of my actions yesterday, today, and tomorrow. The regrets I used to have are no longer and I cherish all the good and the bad times I have had in the past for they have made me who I am today. The girl I was in past is not the woman I am today though still not perfect I have learned to love myself first then love another for all the right reasons. I also know now that the mother I knew in the past is no longer as well. She was a woman in pain just like me for reasons still unknown but understood and has grown as well into a woman to be proud of and no longer hated.

The father I had abandonment issues with I finally found by hiring a private detective in December 1993 and met him in person in November 1994. I only had the chance to get to know him for five years until his death April 12, 1999. I tried many times to get all my questions answered within that time but everything my mother had said about this man had seemed to hold true. I had even written him a poem called “Father” which described all my pain and longing for this man my whole life which was not a poem filled with joy only to have his response to be “That was sweet” not getting it in the least.

Though he did try many times to spend time with me and tell me he loved me. His disillusioned world was not one that I wished to spend much time in. So, on the night of his death I sat with him one last time in the hospital looking at my father all wired up and comatose, cancer and pneumonia had ravaged his body until he could no longer fight another day. Together we sat as I studied his face for the final time trying to pick out all the features that were so similar to mine. Remembering the days growing up when I thought What could have been and what would have been possible or impossible because I did not know where or who this man was. I held his hand and I smiled realizing that he did the best he could for himself and for me for that was all he knew and that he really did love me because I was his daughter his flesh and blood. I spoke to him and told him this and my last words were You are forgiven, I set you free, and I love you Good-Bye Daddy. That morning he passed. Both of us freed from the guilt and anger of the things that cannot be changed… only accepted.

In my 2002 to 2004 “relationship” I finally learned to love with the full extent of my heart a man who truly was at that time… my one true great love. Who at a time rightly deserved to be there. This man understood my insanity and did not judge me for it for we are all insane in some odd way or another. In that relationship through what it seemed were my own eyes staring back at me I saw a still fresh and all to recognizable form of my old self within his soul which I think is why we understood each other so well and why I would come to sacrifice so much for this man.

I knew, understood, and loved this man like no other before him for his internal torment though not the same was all too familiar to me. I finally saw the pain of another instead of drowning in my own. I got to see how I used to treat others for the first time because I now live with my eyes open instead of angrily shut in denial. Unfortunately, though somewhat expected subconsciously much later in the relationship we would find that he had his own demons to slay both real and imagined. He was diagnosed with an insanity far greater than mine ever was and he had to leave for his safety and my own but I will not build a barricade around my heart from love for I have witnessed its true beauty and felt all its glory. Hurray and hallelujah for karma for I learned how to become a good woman to a man. I learned to give unselfishly without the desperate need to receive.

I now know I was sent to him to keep him safe, to understand his pain, to dispel his beliefs in abandonment, and to help save a life. I know that if I had given up on him he probably would not be here alive today. So even though my heart ached for this man for many years. I walked away with the gift of knowing that I was there for a someone in the most unselfish and honorable way that any human being could offer and if I was in any way a catalyst to make him want to be a better man by helping him get clean and finally face his demons then I am grateful for being there for him in a time in his life when he needed that and that in the end we both can live on with the knowledge that we experienced a love like no other and forever cherish that.

I will remember, smile, and praise the rare form of true passion and the love I experienced. Because of this experience I know now that there are reasons people come into your life to give you messages and to guide you on the right path. I also now know that all the joy, disaster, pain, healing, love, and loss are all lessons you learn in life and are just a prelude to this moment. I am now open to the messages the universe sends me. I am a woman that was raised by an old school woman and I will continue to love, learn, help, and sometimes sacrifice still no matter what pain comes along with it. I must not fear it and neither should others. Joy and pain come in many forms every day We must live, be open, feel pain, and love without fear. Such is life. Enjoy its ecstasy!

Today I am a woman who has followed her dreams to a fault. Living and breathing them since the days of my childhood never giving up no matter what the consequences. My dreams have been really what have kept me alive for all these years. For without them I would be dead and gone. It is my dream to live a life through art, creation, capture beauty through my lens, write poetry, sing, dance, an innate will to act, to live in another’s shoes for a moment in time… To return to the painful paths I have walked in the past to remind me of my triumphs. I am also a woman who has learned to appreciate the beauty that is life and all that it has to offer, live, and catch sight of.

I no longer take for granted the dawn, the sunset, or the moon. I live life as if today is the only guarantee you get for we have all had our disappointments. You can choose to make today a disappointment or a joyful journey. I now see colors in their entire splendor and breathe the air I have been so blessed to breathe. Not to sound cliché but now I really do stop to smell the flowers every time I see them along my pathway of life. We have all had bad times and good but it is up to us to decide whether our past is going to affect today in some form of negative way. Now I believe that you should not forget about your past but cherish every moment the good and the bad, live for today and plan for tomorrow, be open to all things at most your heart and to never live in fear again.

This so called philosophy of mine in the past few years of self evaluation has not only given me the confidence and the initiative to make my dreams into a reality but has also saved me from a life of anger, animosity, jealousy, and ultimately a path to loneliness and/or death. I now at least try not to beat myself up every time something doesn’t go as planned and chalk it up as a learning experience or know that it didn’t happen the way I wanted to make room for something even greater. Today I love the skin I am in, those around me, and my life. Tomorrow I will as well for life has taught me that it will be a journey where I will learn even more about myself cherishing every moment as it passes. I have learned in life that you have choices In the past I chose to be a victim. Now I choose to be a warrior and fight every battle as if I have already won!

Written by: Mary L. Carter

Written: February 16, 2003

Revised: August 20, 2004

Revised: August 21, 2010

Dedicated to my Grandmother, Dorothy Bretthauer Carter, born March 29, 1931, and died August 14, 2004, who instilled the morale, joy, love, sacrifice, strength, and happiness I finally found in this journey called life Now understood.

UPDATE: NOVEMBER 11, 2011 ~ I MARRIED THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND MY BEST FRIEND, OCTOBER 22, 2011. I AM IN UTTER BLISS AND HAVE EVERYTHING I COULD ASK FOR IN LIFE, LOVE, AND CAREER (A LITTLE MORE WORK AND MONEY WOULD BE NICE… LOL) I AM STILL LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF AND UNLEARNING MY PATTERNS EVERYDAY. IT IS A STRUGGLE NOT TO HAVE OLD DEMONS COME TO VISIT INSIDE MY HEAD BUT I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE NOW AND WHY THEY COME SO I CAN MAKE THEM GO AWAY FASTER. IT IS NOT EASY TO UNLEARN THE BAD HABITS AND SURVIVAL SKILLS YOU TAUGHT YOURSELF GROWING UP BUT ACKNOWLEDGING AND CONTROLLING THEM IS THE FIRST AND LAST STEP TOWARDS HAPPINESS! WISHING YOU STRENGTH, HEALTH, AND BEAUTY IN YOUR OWN JOURNEY AND TRANSFORMATION!

* COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL *

* PLEASE DO NOT COPY WITHOUT WRITTEN CONSENT *


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