I have to get this DARKNESS OUT OF MY HEAD! This vent might be all over the place! I have to regurgitate on paper where it “feels” safer… Not so coincidently as our filming dates come closer on our short film about depression and suicidal thoughts… It’s no wonder that I am feeling this way… I HAVE TO FACE THIS! I HAVE TO STARE INTO THE EYES OF THIS BEAST WITHIN! I am really fighting demons and darkness today! Nothing has gone wrong! The last few months I have been feeling the most confident, true self-love (this is brand new for me), abundance, and success in my life that I have EVER experienced and yet I feel like EVERYTHING is going to go wrong any minute now! I chanted and it is still there… I feel it in my chest & heart! This burning sensation and pressure! I feel it in the racing words within my mind of “you don’t deserve such goodness”, “you’re a dork”, “you’re ugly”, “you’re trailer trash”, “you’re stupid”, “you have a 7th grade education”, “you’re a worthless object”, “no one loves you”, “everyone hates you”, “you don’t belong”, “If you were gone, no one would miss you”. THIS DAILY DIALOGUE is what I have battled with all of my life! The above is the result of a lifetime since infancy of abandonment, bullies, physical abuse, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse. Then… when I got myself away from the dark world that I repeatedly “uncomfortably comfortable” put myself into as an adult to continue the abuse I was used to… (Fun fact: I have only been living in and around a constant positive group of people, work, and lifestyle for less than 3 years <— this hidden “Mary L. Carter” story I am still contemplating whether I want to write a book about) … Once I escaped the darkness of the people and environment I was “willingly” putting myself into over and over again until I was barely in my 40s… When that lifestyle was completely gone and the abuser’s voices went away… It took me almost 2 of the last almost 3 years to realize that… I WAS THE WORST DAILY BULLY TO MYSELF!
I started to identify my biggest bully being myself last summer and I slowly started researching ways to help improve my state of “being”. Last December I went FULL FORCE and HEAD ON INTO my “Building a Better Human Revolution/The Magnificent Mary Lou Mission”. I have gone to counseling, mentors, life coaches, Buddhists meetings, became an SGI Buddhist, currently attending the American Jewish University to learn religion for the first time, attend and still attend self improvement seminars, lectures, women’s seminars, INTENSE healing women’s retreats, 2 different 12 step groups (OA and SLAA), I got involved in many charity efforts, volunteer work, and got obsessed with helping others flourish while I am learning/growing. ALL THIS and I am STILL faced with this darkness?!?!?!?!?!?! Yes, I know you must have darkness to know light… I know there has to be a balance of good and evil, I know that I went thru what I went thru so I can share and inspire others, etc. etc.
IT’s STILL REALLY ANNOYING! Especially now since my eyes are OPEN! I do see a difference though in my processing because now I am a witness to it instead of going deep into the darkness, then going too deep and staying there for days/weeks, and then going into fantasyland of how to escape either by chucking it all and disappearing or ending it all. <— NO FUN BEING THERE! NO FUN FOR ANYONE! In 2000 instead of attempting suicide again I asked for help and my friend took me to a hospital in Culver City and stayed by my side for days. (RIP Hugh Bateman you were my savior and friend in more ways than I could even express. Fortunately I don’t know if it was 6th sense or what but I called him while I was living in Vegas around 2007? 2008? to tell him how much I appreciated him… The next week without warning, he passed away.)
July and August should be a time of fun in the sun summer happiness but for me it also reminds me of a lot of death, drama, destruction, heartbreak, etc. that has happened in my life during those months. (I can say that I am having the BEST FRIGGEN JULY EVER! YAY 2015!) I am really REALLY trying right now to remind myself that “I AM SAFE, I AM LOVED, I BELONG!” (Thank you Eva Clay and Francis Di Vine) I can also say that after the months of July and August came my biggest life shifts. I am looking forward to what is coming… and even more “who” I am becoming…
I also have to acknowledge that I am experiencing a huge rejection fear and fear of everyone getting MAD at me! Because I sent out 100s of personal emails this morning for our last days of our short film crowd funding campaign. In my mind, everyone is upset with me, no one cares, and no one believes in me. NONE OF THIS NONSENSE IS TRUE LITTLE MISS MARY MIND! (What is true is that if someone is going to get upset with you because you sent an “email” then hit the delete button and delete that person out of your life!)
Maybe my new found success and positive environment, strength, power, self-love, life, love, career, and abundance I am experiencing lately because I made the CONSCIOUS ACTION and DEDICATION to CHANGE MYSELF and then CHANGE THE WORLD… I am experiencing what Kia Colton is always reminding me of to read the book “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks…
I am experiencing my “UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM” (upper limits of our abilities to experience joy, success, love and abundance.)
I have more good things happening right now than I can even post or put in my new gratitude journal! Considering my past… I really am not used to this much consistent goodness and I don’t know how to act!?!?!?!
Right now I think I am doing what I have always done (usually sooner than this) Once the going gets good… SABOTAGE IT! Why? Because I believed the bullies, the abusers, and the predators that were telling me that I was nothing and unloved! Most of all I believed MYSELF that was telling me that I was nothing and unloved!
THE TRUTH IS… I AM EVERYTHING! I DESERVE HAPPPINESS! I AM BEAUTIFUL! I AM LOVED! WE ARE ALL CONNECTED! WE ALL WANT THE SAME THINGS! WE ARE ALL ONE!
I AM ALIVE TODAY! Thank goodness all of the pills and razors that I used to take my own life when I was a teen up until 2000 didn’t take! I have so much inspiring work to do for myself and for others!!
I have been carrying in my bag and traveling with the book “The Big Leap” for 4 months now! I have not read it yet! After carrying the book around for the first 2 months the universe even manifested putting me inside the author’s HOUSE and he signed my book! (That was still not enough of a HINT! I still did not read it!)
The other day I finally read the first few pages and today within my struggle… I really need to ask myself these 4 questions in the beginning of the book…
“Am I willing to increase the amount of time every day that I feel good inside?”
“Am I willing to increase the amount of time that my whole life goes well?”
“Am I willing to feel good and have my life go well all the time?”
“Are you willing to take the Big Leap to your ultimate level of success in love, money, and creative contribution?”
I needed to be reminded of my inner darkness today! I needed to feel THIS PAIN yet again! I needed to WRITE THIS! I needed to FACE THIS! I needed THIS SHIFT!
I will be reading that book now…
Thank YOU for reading THIS!
Mary Lou Sandler