I have to get this DARKNESS OUT OF MY HEAD!

22 Jul

I have to get this DARKNESS OUT OF MY HEAD! This vent might be all over the place! I have to regurgitate on paper where it “feels” safer… Not so coincidently as our filming dates come closer on our short film about depression and suicidal thoughts… It’s no wonder that I am feeling this way… I HAVE TO FACE THIS! I HAVE TO STARE INTO THE EYES OF THIS BEAST WITHIN! I am really fighting demons and darkness today! Nothing has gone wrong! The last few months I have been feeling the most confident, true self-love (this is brand new for me), abundance, and success in my life that I have EVER experienced and yet I feel like EVERYTHING is going to go wrong any minute now! I chanted and it is still there… I feel it in my chest & heart! This burning sensation and pressure! I feel it in the racing words within my mind of “you don’t deserve such goodness”, “you’re a dork”, “you’re ugly”, “you’re trailer trash”, “you’re stupid”, “you have a 7th grade education”, “you’re a worthless object”, “no one loves you”, “everyone hates you”, “you don’t belong”, “If you were gone, no one would miss you”. THIS DAILY DIALOGUE is what I have battled with all of my life! The above is the result of a lifetime since infancy of abandonment, bullies, physical abuse, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse. Then… when I got myself away from the dark world that I repeatedly “uncomfortably comfortable” put myself into as an adult to continue the abuse I was used to… (Fun fact: I have only been living in and around a constant positive group of people, work, and lifestyle for less than 3 years <— this hidden “Mary L. Carter” story I am still contemplating whether I want to write a book about) … Once I escaped the darkness of the people and environment I was “willingly” putting myself into over and over again until I was barely in my 40s… When that lifestyle was completely gone and the abuser’s voices went away… It took me almost 2 of the last almost 3 years to realize that… I WAS THE WORST DAILY BULLY TO MYSELF!

I started to identify my biggest bully being myself last summer and I slowly started researching ways to help improve my state of “being”. Last December I went FULL FORCE and HEAD ON INTO my “Building a Better Human Revolution/The Magnificent Mary Lou Mission”. I have gone to counseling, mentors, life coaches, Buddhists meetings, became an SGI Buddhist, currently attending the American Jewish University to learn religion for the first time, attend and still attend self improvement seminars, lectures, women’s seminars, INTENSE healing women’s retreats, 2 different 12 step groups (OA and SLAA), I got involved in many charity efforts, volunteer work, and got obsessed with helping others flourish while I am learning/growing. ALL THIS and I am STILL faced with this darkness?!?!?!?!?!?! Yes, I know you must have darkness to know light… I know there has to be a balance of good and evil, I know that I went thru what I went thru so I can share and inspire others, etc. etc.

IT’s STILL REALLY ANNOYING! Especially now since my eyes are OPEN! I do see a difference though in my processing because now I am a witness to it instead of going deep into the darkness, then going too deep and staying there for days/weeks, and then going into fantasyland of how to escape either by chucking it all and disappearing or ending it all.  <— NO FUN BEING THERE! NO FUN FOR ANYONE! In 2000 instead of attempting suicide again I asked for help and my friend took me to a hospital in Culver City and stayed by my side for days. (RIP Hugh Bateman you were my savior and friend in more ways than I could even express. Fortunately I don’t know if it was 6th sense or what but I called him while I was living in Vegas around 2007? 2008? to tell him how much I appreciated him… The next week without warning, he passed away.)

July and August should be a time of fun in the sun summer happiness but for me it also reminds me of a lot of death, drama, destruction, heartbreak, etc. that has happened in my life during those months. (I can say that I am having the BEST FRIGGEN JULY EVER! YAY 2015!) I am really REALLY trying right now to remind myself that “I AM SAFE, I AM LOVED, I BELONG!” (Thank you Eva Clay and Francis Di Vine) I can also say that after the months of July and August came my biggest life shifts. I am looking forward to what is coming… and even more “who” I am becoming…

I also have to acknowledge that I am experiencing a huge rejection fear and fear of everyone getting MAD at me! Because I sent out 100s of personal emails this morning for our last days of our short film crowd funding campaign. In my mind, everyone is upset with me, no one cares, and no one believes in me. NONE OF THIS NONSENSE IS TRUE LITTLE MISS MARY MIND! (What is true is that if someone is going to get upset with you because you sent an “email” then hit the delete button and delete that person out of your life!)

Maybe my new found success and positive environment, strength, power, self-love, life, love, career, and abundance I am experiencing lately because I made the CONSCIOUS ACTION and DEDICATION to CHANGE MYSELF and then CHANGE THE WORLD… I am experiencing what Kia Colton is always reminding me of to read the book “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks…

I am experiencing my “UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM” (upper limits of our abilities to experience joy, success, love and abundance.)

I have more good things happening right now than I can even post or put in my new gratitude journal! Considering my past… I really am not used to this much consistent goodness and I don’t know how to act!?!?!?!

Right now I think I am doing what I have always done (usually sooner than this) Once the going gets good… SABOTAGE IT! Why? Because I believed the bullies, the abusers, and the predators that were telling me that I was nothing and unloved! Most of all I believed MYSELF that was telling me that I was nothing and unloved!

THE TRUTH IS… I AM EVERYTHING! I DESERVE HAPPPINESS! I AM BEAUTIFUL! I AM LOVED! WE ARE ALL CONNECTED! WE ALL WANT THE SAME THINGS! WE ARE ALL ONE!

I AM ALIVE TODAY! Thank goodness all of the pills and razors that I used to take my own life when I was a teen up until 2000 didn’t take! I have so much inspiring work to do for myself and for others!!

I have been carrying in my bag and traveling with the book “The Big Leap” for 4 months now! I have not read it yet! After carrying the book around for the first 2 months the universe even manifested putting me inside the author’s HOUSE and he signed my book! (That was still not enough of a HINT! I still did not read it!)

The other day I finally read the first few pages and today within my struggle… I really need to ask myself these 4 questions in the beginning of the book…

“Am I willing to increase the amount of time every day that I feel good inside?”

Am I willing to increase the amount of time that my whole life goes well?”

“Am I willing to feel good and have my life go well all the time?”

“Are you willing to take the Big Leap to your ultimate level of success in love, money, and creative contribution?”

I needed to be reminded of my inner darkness today! I needed to feel THIS PAIN yet again! I needed to WRITE THIS! I needed to FACE THIS! I needed THIS SHIFT!

I will be reading that book now…

Thank YOU for reading THIS!

❤❤❤
Mary Lou Sandler

WE NEED VOTES FOR @3CUBEDSTUDIOS TO BE CONSIDERED FOR A GRANT!

29 May

WE NEED VOTES FOR @3CUBEDSTUDIOS TO BE CONSIDERED FOR A GRANT! Please take a small moment to vote (votes are done quickly with one click of a button, no need to register) for our company 3 Cubed Studios, LLC​ to be considered for a grant @ www.missionmainstreetgrants.com/b/36073 so that we may continue our efforts in making enlivening content to uplift and heal individuals, expand our charitable efforts in creating gallery shows and books where the proceeds go to charity, create more inspirational films (documentary & short), expand our female empowerment projects to help encourage women and our future little women, continue capturing the beauty in every individual and their families thru photography, create music to feed your soul, and lastly this grant could finally set in motion our dream of opening a free community center for children and the arts. Art is vanishing in our schools so therefore our future artists are vanishing! Our ultimate wish is to cultivate the future generation of creatives! This ultimate goal is not just a community center… It is also a full community that will actually revolutionize the way buildings are built that will help the earth and teach people how to live greener lives to protect our resources. I have been designing this building that has never been built before for the last 5 years and have recently completed the project design. This building and community will set in motion the way future buildings are built. The time is now to help save not only each other but our earth’s resources and our future generation. Please vote by clicking the link www.missionmainstreetgrants.com/b/36073 (we need 250 votes to be considered!) PLEASE VOTE and SHARE! Help make our cause a reality! It helps you too! Thank You, Mary Lou Sandler​

3cubed_chase_grant

Filmmaking journal entry day #1

9 Apr

Filmmaking journal entry day #1… The female empowerment film we are making about art, infertility, and the balance between the masculine and the feminine… Is the most gut wrenching, painful, profound, and beautiful thing I’ve ever done in my life thus far… (I’m a creative and I just found out last January that I can not have children) I can feel my heart in chest right now and every part of me so intensely it’s almost unbearable and yet so needed and healing! Everything prior is just a prelude to this moment… I have been lead here by a power far greater than myself and everything makes so much sense and is so very clear for me right now! Thank you!

 

I’m due for some ‪#‎progressphotos‬ so here ya go!

29 Mar

I’m due for some #progressphotos so here ya go! I don’t know if I will win anything for the golds gym challenge ending April 11th and at this point that is not my focus anymore. Sure it would be nice to WIN but to KEEP GOING after this competition is done with the SLOW and steady pace of getting fit and healthy FOR LIFE is my goal! Besides… I AM ALREADY WINING! So far I’ve only lost 11 lbs. but as you can see I have lost MANY inches and that’s ok with me! In the past I’ve wanted to do everything NOW and FAST and all it did was stress me out and I would repeatedly get injured! So no more of that! With the help of preparing myself both mentally and physically with my chiropractor, trainers, friends, family, OA, SLAA, 12 steps, mentors, sponsors, power partners, women’s retreats, buddhist groups, meetings, and chants… Getting to the REAL nitty gritty of WHY I was over eating and stopped exercising is my LIFE CHANGING GOAL! This former fitness model and competitor has been on a constant weight loss and weight gain battle since 2004. Sure past injuries, surgeries, illness, parasites, etc. etc. have played a part but… IT WAS ME that pushed it past “gaining a little weight” during those times to GAINING A LOT OF WEIGHT! I still needed healing from past abuse and consciously I did not know that! I needed a TEAM of people to HELP ME do the work and KNOW IT and NOW I KNOW IT, I am living it, and I am overcoming it! I’ve always tried to do things by myself and not reach out and by doing so I’ve missed out on a lot of wisdom and great people! This time I am more mentally and physically prepped to take on anything life throws at me! This is not just about being skinny or looking good anymore… I’m learning I already look good damn it! This is about becoming the best physically healthy and mentally healthy human I CAN BE so that I can HELP and INSPIRE OTHERS to live their fullest potential! I am here to make a difference! #IAMCALLEDTOLEAD Thank you for your continued support and allowing me to be vulnerable, powerful, and put it out there! THANK YOU @marylousandler 

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#health #healthy #vegan #veganbodybuidling #plantbuilt #plantstrong #fit #fitspo #fitness #fitnessaddict #strong #workout #gym #training #photooftheday #instahealth #healthychoices #active #motivation #instagood #determination #lifestyle #diet #getfit #eatclean #exercise #transformation #goldsgymchallenge

CAUTION! Free form writing and rambling brain splatter for 2015 ahead…

24 Mar

CAUTION! Free form writing and rambling brain splatter for 2015 ahead… Now that my 6 month renovating and redesign project to make our home / work space a LIVING VISION BOARD is DONE! What next? Well, I have 6 days to pass my ISSA exam or pay for a 6 month extension ($49). Tho that is not a lot of $… I would rather study and pass! Tho I will not become a PT again… It will motivate me and reeducate me! I have done the inner work these past few years and I am finally mentally and physically READY to DO IT! I also have to get CPR certified for my certification completion. Another goal is to SLOWLY and HEALTHY this time… Train and compete in more fitness competitions! I am dedicating my devotion to my photo and film studio and increasing work flo! (I already have shoots scheduled into mid MAY!) I am redesigning and finishing my website www.3cubedstudios.com! I am finding new ways to promote The Beard Book to help cancer charities! I leave April 7th for my first assignment as a DOCUMENTARY FILMMAKER to Santa Fe New Mexico to stay in a mini mansion! (My Jan 2015 vision of traveling places I have never been and become a doc filmmaker already manifested with Betsy Chasse!) August, I hope to be photographing the Rasta Retreat with yogi master and bff Kristie Rose in Costa Rica! Oh I need to update my PASSPORT! Traveling to Chicago and Seattle is a must to see family this year! Be an even better wife to Justin Sandler. Film another DOC FILM assignment at the ruins in Mexico in October (crossing fingers to manifest THAT!) We will be having more intro to Buddhism meetings and chants at our home! We will be hosting and partnering up with various entertainment gurus introducing new actor workshops here at Headshots and Actor Services by 3cubedstudios – Mary Lou and Justin Sandler! MORE women’s retreats and motivating women workshops! (My next women’s retreat is April 11-12) More 12 step programs to work out all of the abuse that still holds me back today because I let it still control me either consciously or subconsciously! I WILL OVERCOME MY OBSTACLES! I WILL Learn to LET GO! Start writing my autobiography! Self Publish my poetry book that has been sitting around for over 10 years. I am sure there is more to do… Major changes needed in my phone / internet over stimulation and the need for procrastination and / or waiting till the last minute because of FEAR and not thinking I can do it or deserve it <—- these are ALL lies I tell myself and they need to be dealt with once and for ALL! I WILL LOVE LIFE! LOVE MYSELF! LOVE EVERY MINUTE FOR IT IS TRULY A BLESSING! Thank YOU for always being here and showing such amazing support thru my failures and my triumphs! (FYI my failures are also my triumphs!) YOU ARE AMAZING!   Mary Lou Sandler

Let my first documentary filmmaking adventure begin…

12 Mar

IT’s OFFICIAL! My plane ticket has been booked and I am leaving to Santa Fe New Mexico April 7-11th for my first ever Documentary Film! I will be the cinematographer and co-producer of the new film “Empty Womb”, an empowering and inspiring film centered around women with an all female crew! I AM SO EXCITED! Earlier this year when I found out that I could not have children I sat down and asked myself now what do I want?!?!? Well I said immediately that I wanted to start traveling the world, I want to be around inspiring people and inspire others, I want the world to be my children, I want to start making documentary films that change people’s lives for the better, I want the films to be about women! 48 hours after I said what I wanted to my husband Justin Sandler I was sitting at dinner with a group of inspiring women including Laura Goodman (and two wonderful men, Justin Sandler and Brian Walsh) and my friend and client Betsy Chasse (co-creator, director, producer “What the Bleep Do We Know” and several other uplifting and amazing doc films) said she wanted to do the same this year and wants me to film it! No prompt from me or anything… The same words just came flying out of her mouth like it did mine days before! POOF our dreams manifested, we partnered up, and we are going for it! We have an award winning female crew and a several time Oscar nominated female editor attached to our film! THIS IS AMAZING! More info COMING SOON about our project so stay tuned…

Manifesting Dreams and Getting What You Want! And I am Leaving for My First Doc Film!

19 Feb

SUPER EXCITING NEWS!!! I have partnered up with Betsy Chasse​ (Co-Creator/Writer/Director/Producer of “What the BLEEP Do We Know?”) as the cinematographer and co-producer on a new documentary film and we leave on our first assignment this April!

Now if that isn’t great news, I have to tell the story of how this has all came about. The year was 2004 and the worst year of my life as far as severe heartache from a romantic relationship and heartache from the death of two of my close family members. This was also the year the film “What the bleep do we know” came out. I believe someone gave me a VHS of film to watch and since I was caught up in my misery I did not watch it and it sat there as I became more and more self-destructive for the next year. The year after (2005) I moved to Vegas and became a photographer, yet still on my self destructive path (um yeah it’s VEGAS lets party!) In 2006 I got into another not so happy, nor healthy relationship, broke both of my knees, had double knee surgery, and had to learn to walk again for almost a year. So, I finally watched the film! “What the BLEEP Do We Know?” is about a photographer that is stuck in her negative ways and patterns that are not making her happy and learns of the world of quantum physics and manifestation and how you can change your world by changing the way you see it. (basically) Since I was a photographer, being self destructive, in a bad relationship, seeing the patterns in my life replay over and over again… YES this film spoke to ME and I watched it over and over and OVER AGAIN! Then all of the sudden all these metaphysical people came into my life and they came from everywhere! I was also thrust into the world of personal development and I went on retreats and weekends with PSI, which helped me to start really getting to the core of my unhappiness! I was hooked and learned more and more and couldn’t get enough! In November 2008, I broke off the bad relationship and I tell the universe that, “I am READY for love” and I go on a universal campaign for the next few months! I even made a list of the kind of man that I wanted which was inspired by the song “I am Ready for Love” by India.Arie. February 2009, I met Justin Sandler​ online and I went to visit L.A. (March 15th) because the desert was no longer my thing and I wanted to visit the beach and shoot. Justin and I met the night I arrived and we have never left each other’s side since day one. He was ALL of the things that I said I wanted… everything from the song. I MANIFESTED HIM! I then moved back to Los Angeles. But I spent a few years slipping back and forth from being a bad girl and a good girl and not living to my fullest potential. And then I started snapping out of it and got back onto my self-development path. Justin and I married in October 2011. One day the following year, he was attending a meeting of a media networking group that he was a part of. At this particular meeting, there was a guest named Betsy Chasse. After learning about her, Justin was inspired to introduce himself and exchange contact info. She then invited him to a movie screening that she was involved in and he was all too excited to invite me along so that I could meet her. It was another documentary film that just changes your whole being after you watch it. Betsy and I met and hit it off. Soon after, I ended up at her house photographing her daughter’s birthday party. Years went by and then she started hiring me for various photo-shoots and publicity shoots for projects. In the fall 2014, I finally decided to STOP getting in my own way and once again told the universe that I AM READY! I wanted to make my life and my environment all about creativity! Instead of living in a place that I didn’t like and felt cluttered in… I decided to sell all of our dark furniture and redesign our place into a living vision board of creativity, chanting, gatherings, meetings, script readings, photography, music, and film. I also wanted to start filming documentary style interviews and films of inspiring individuals that can help people change their lives for the better! Since I redesigned our place the last few months we have been having ALL of the things above that I said I wanted to come into our home and our lives! We even have a film being shot here next week!

Plot twist: This last month I learned that I couldn’t have children. That was a huge blow and it hurt, but it was also a relief because we had been trying for a year and seeing a fertility doctor and nothing was happening. So now the pressure was off, being a 44 year-old woman and having to DO IT NOW! Since I cannot have children and I do not have to worry about that part anymore, I chose to not feel sorry for myself and I went deep inside and asked myself… well, NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT? My answer was… I want to make the world my children, I want to travel the world, I want to make documentary films that CHANGE people’s lives, like “What the Bleep” did for me. I want these doc films to be centered around women and be inspiring to women. I sat Justin down the week I found out the news about not being able to have children and told him that I found out what I truly wanted to do with clear vision this year of 2015. He said he’s with me for the long haul and supports my endeavors and my dreams and he will hold down the fort for me while I am away! 48 hours later I find myself surprising Betsy at a dinner gathering before a screening of her latest documentary film “Song of the new earth”. As we all sat there at dinner, Betsy says her goals for this year, and I kid you not… This is what she said… “I want to make another documentary film this year, travel the world, and I want this film to center around women and… Mary Lou YOU CAN FILM IT!” 48 hours later, the same words that came out of my mouth was being said back to me by the person who made the film that put me on the course of bettering my life and took me out of my own hell of darkness! I am sitting here HIGH ON LIFE these last few weeks of manifesting GREATNESS and MY DREAMS and IT’S REALLY HAPPENING! I also somehow recently manifested women filmmakers and other creatives into my life as well as a recent a women’s retreat I wound up invited to that has changed my life forever! Now I have to prove to the universe that I am ready to receive all of these amazing gifts! I AM READY!

Immensely Grateful,

Mary Lou Sandler

(There are many more manifestations and ups and downs that happened since 2004 but the above is the condensed version) I also cannot tell you what the movie is about because that is also another mind-blowing synchronicity parallel to my own life and it would give the movie away! People have told me that “you can’t manifest things” well that is not my story, nor my life, because I manifest things all the time because I BELIEVE and therefore it happens! NOW GO MANIFEST YOUR DREAMS! IT IS POSSIBLE!

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